Attachment

Evening readers,

It’s been a minute since I last added to this, but writing has been difficult these past couple of months with the new workload of school and social commitments. I found little time to do much of anything besides occasionally hangout with one of my best friends and her assortment of friends, work on projects, dart out for a quick photoshoot, and on occassion find time to talk to somebody new. Thus far, this year has been one of my most socially fulfilling of my life, I’ve been quite astounded but also somewhat taken aback by how capable I have been with making connections. I made myself aware over the past two years at Wayne State of how much my own habits held back my life, but maybe the change in environment was all I really needed. I still find myself absolutely terrified to make any initial engagement or even attempt to initiate conversation, but I find myself going about it more, sometimes without even realizing it.

Making friends has been delightful, for lack of a better word. I always had issues with how I found myself becoming involved with others in that I often would be the friend introduced, rather than making that first attempt. I don’t know if anyone else really has issues with this, but if you do then I’m sure you can understand the disconnect it can ensue. All your relationships tend to loop back to one person, which can feel a little unsatisfying at times. I figure that maybe it’s due to me being a rather awkward person, but maybe exploring my social capabilities will lead to me figuring out the root issue with it. Either that or I’ll experience enough that I’ll be able to let go of that side of me and forget entirely about it.

One friend I made this semester has really been making me feel better about myself. I won’t say what his name is for privacy reasons, although he has such a common name I doubt anyone could find him regardless. He’s a little bit older than me, but we’re both starting out first year here at the College for Creative Studies, so it’s been nice to have someone who understands the whole “restarting school” dilemma. Our relationship started in quite a funny fashion, we first met at one of the welcome week events where I attempted to flirt with him after escaping the concert the school had setup. It was already late into the evening and I wanted to leave to go shoot photos, so after talking with him briefly and finding he hated being there as much as I did, I invited him to join me while I go out and shoot some stuff. Although he declined my invitation, we did end up having the same Monday-Wednesday night class so we became friends after being able to talk more. Turns out, he is not gay much to my dismay, but I’m not upset at being able to make a friend so early into the semester.

Thus far, he’s been a delight to be around, we both share similar senses of humor while respecting personal boundaries. This may sound odd to say, but he’s been one of the most emotionally receptive straight friends I’ve met, I don’t exactly know how to explain that but that’s how I feel about it. When I tell him about all my problems being a gay male, he treats them like I’m not any different than anyone else. It’s been nice to experience that, although sometimes we do jest too much. Thus far, I’m glad to be friends with him, and I hope that he feels the same way.

On the flip side of the coin, I’ve found myself suffering from boy problems in a relatively confined time period. Recently I met a guy who I found myself into regardless of my gut instinct that he would not be the one. I decided to give it a chance and I am personally immensely glad I chose to. He has opened my eyes on what it means to be attracted to somebody, that it shouldn't be so one-sided. He often tells me what he enjoys about me, flirts with me, listens intently when I talk, and shares personal things with me. I don’t know if all of this should be common place or if I have found myself with awful people, but this stuff has been the world for me and I truly have enjoyed every minute with him. Now to introduce the boy problem.

A few weeks back, my best friend invited me out to a party last-minute with a bunch of friends. I had no idea who most of them were besides the few I knew from her group, but it turned out when we met up with them that I had met most of them through a student org that I joined this year. Of course, of the three guys going in the group besides my friend’s date, all three of us were gay which made it hilarious. Anyways, half of the group was making a run to the store to pick up drinks while the other half was ubering straight to the party. I asked one of my friends to pick me up a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, my personal drink of choice as I know my limits with it and know how to have a good time with it. The boy who would soon become a major problem for me asked me how I planned to have a good night with whisky, to which I told him I’d show him at the party, followed by him winking and expressing that he looked forward to it. Once we arrived at the party, I found my friend had forgotten to get me my drink, so I ended up sharing my friend’s bottle of vodka. Major mistake as I would soon find.

One of the friends I ubered over with asked me if I wanted to do shots which I gladly obliged to, anything would have beat standing around barely tipsy at a party. Apparently I somehow forgot that I have an extremely low tolerance and would soon experience my first blackout. After the fifth shot, I realized that I was more gone than I planned. After that, I have quite a blurred recollection of the night besides approaching the boy, leaving the apartment with him, and then I fully recall everything after this. We ended up heading back to my place to cuddle and talk, after which he left so I could sleep since I was basically falling asleep anyways. Thankfully my first experience was with him as nothing sexual occurred, something I’ve not had such luck with previously.

We exchanged numbers and talked over the course of the next two weeks, but I found that I was oddly into him which would end up hurting me. I always had a hesitancy to talk to him as he seemed almost too perfect for what I like in a guy, but it can never hurt to attempt perfection right? Alas, I found that his life doesn’t let him do too much so we haven’t been able to talk much after the first meeting. I figure looking back on it now, I definitely was impatient and immature, however he most definitely sucks at responding to texts and talking in person. So who knows where this ship will sail, currently it’s a bit lost at sea, but I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe it’s one of those “right person, wrong time” things. If I’m wrong and it doesn’t work out, oh well I suppose.

I suppose this is where I’ll leave off for tonight, I have decided that officially I’m going to shoot for once a week posts. So maybe look forward to those?

Signing off,

J.S.